The Decline And Fall Of The UK

For the first two decades of Eurovision the United Kingdom were rarely out of the top three. Whilst we seldom won, our stack of podium places was the envy of Europe. From the mid seventies, little by little it all began to unravel, to the point where 2009's fifth place is regarded as manna from heaven. So let's go on a journey through time to examine where it all went wrong......

1 The Language Rule

For most of Eurovision history countries were limited to singing in their native tongue, meaning a built in advantage for the UK and Ireland (and Malta when they sent a decent song after their nineties rebirth). Since 1999 songs can be in any language and virtually everyone has since then opted at least once to perform in English, many countries now doing it as a matter of course.

2 Number Of Countries

The UK's record of finishing in the top four every year bar two from 1959 to 1977 was achieved in an era when the number of entrants was on average sixteen to nineteen. Now it is usually twenty-five, most of whom have already proved their appeal (and got an extra plug) in a semi-final a few days before the contest final. The UK, like France, Germany and Spain, always have direct entry to the final. Would they benefit from competing in the semi?. Maybe, but not of course if they were eliminated.

3 Big Names

The UK's golden era in the sixties and early seventies was driven by the BBC selecting an experienced performer and inviting accomplished songwriters to submit songs. In 1976 no more big names could be found and only the brilliance of "Save Your Kisses For Me" and (erm) "Rock Bottom masked the decline that was just around the corner as unproven allcomers were invited to the party. Apart from Bucks Fizz who were a genuinely clever creation, and a couple of quality ballads by male crooners (Scott Fitzgerald and Ray Caruana aka Live Report) the UK had to come to terms with the view from mid-table. It was no coincidence that when the one-singer approach was briefly re-adopted in the early nineties both Michael Ball and Sonia elevated mediocre songs to strong second places.



4 Choosing The Wrong Song

Given that our Eurovision history was largely built upon chirpy ditties, which certainly cut it in 1969, it's maybe no surprise that the good UK public's idea of a "Eurovision song" has remained rooted in the past. Year after year the winner of UK selection could be accurately predicted by any savvy Eurofan. Bad sixties pastiches, anodyne hymns to peace, and then always of course "the bouncy one". This later mutated, no doubt helped by the huge gay Eurovision fanbase, into "the bouncy dance one".

5 Stageing

ITV stage the X-Factor each week in a huge arena. The BBC stage "A Song For Europe/Making Your Mind Up/Eurovision: Your Decision/WTF We've Run Out Of Ideas 2010" in a studio little bigger than a king-size duvet, and often with pre-recorded backing singers. The winning act, often inexperienced, is then catapulted into a huge arena and expected not to make a complete arse of themselves. Some of the the Eastern European countries lately gracing the top end of the scoreboard come with huge props and presentation rehearsed to the Nth degree, while the UK self-consciously slope on and off stage and then wonder why they finished 23rd.



6 Song Type

Dance music usually flops at Eurovision. Even a worldwide smash like "Oooh Aah Just A Little Bit" could't cut it on a Eurovision stage, so what chance for those dance songs vastly inferior. It's somwehat ironic that the very closest of contest observers are well aware that dance music has done sod all at the contest for at least a decade yet the general public hear some camp and some beats per minute and vote for it. The UK public has occasionally gone for something a little bit different. in 1995 and 2006 it was "rap" which fell flat on the arena stage, in 2005 the UK embraced the "ethnic/Shakira" sound with our Javine, only to land in Kiev and find fifteen other countries had the exact same idea.

Conclusion

The three United Kingdom entries to trouble the top five in the last fifteen years have been Katrina's 1997 anthem and the two big ballads from Jessica Garlick and now-Sugarbabe Jade Ewen. All three female led. Let's kick dance, experimental and chirpy into touch and stick to what we're good at. Maestro please ......



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Eurovision Heroes: #3 Chiara Siracusa

The third of our Eurovision Heroes is a most contemporary one, whose latest of three Eurovision sorties was this very year in Moscow. Chiara Siracusa was born on September 25th 1976 in Malta.

Malta's history at Eurovision has been dramatic to say the least. The little Commonwealth island in the Med doesn't really do mid-table: it's generally been top three glory or dismal failure. They debuted in Dublin in 1971 and their first two entries in the Maltese tongue were major flops, easily finishing last both times, and it's probably fair to say that if the voting system at the time hadn't made it impossible, one or maybe both of those songs would be in our Nul Pointers Hall Of Fame. Hurt by their underwhelming reception at the Euro table, Malta quietly left the contest for nearly two decades (with the exception of a bizarre 1975 offering).

By 1991 the contest had morphed into a different animal, one where English language songs were doing very very well, and middle of the road songs too. Realising that they could call upon English as one of their native tongues and also call upon some considerable reserves of cheesy MOR, Malta were back, and this time it was serious. From 1991 to 1997 Malta finished solidly in the top ten, the highlight a third place by Mary Spiteri in 1992 with "Little Child" in a contest that blatantly showed up the language rule for the nonsense it was as the only English language songs occupied the top three positions.

By 1998 the voting had changed from juries to public voting, but the language rule was in place one last time. Malta came to Birmingham with a sweet ballad sung by Chiara Siracusa. After some weak entries at the start of the running order the Brummie crowd (and the worldwide audience) were treated to the phenomenon of Dana International, swiftly followed next song by the German entry performed by comedy act Guildo Horn. After this randomly paired tour-de-force, and (as departed BBC commentator Sir Terry Wogan anticipated) Chiara took to the stage with the simplest of ballads. Sung In English, with just a few candles for backing, the impact and contrast was enormous.



Sadly for Malta, despite being joint leader with one vote left, Chiara was eventually relegated to third place after a very close voting, the like of which (thanks to the gigantism of the EBU) we may never witness again. She still returned to Malta a heroine.



Seven years later Chiara dipped into Eurovision madness once more. By now this was a very different contest. The clamour from Eastern Europe, led by ex-republics of the Soviet Union and Yugoslavia has turned Eurovision into a contest with a final and a semi, and all forty plus nations voting in the grand final. Thanks to Malta's 2004 result Chiara didn't have to compete in the semi. She was however saddled with an appalling draw in the contest final, yet sailed to a clear second place behind Greece.



Four years on, after a three year results span of "last place/DNQ/DNQ", our diva was called on to rescue Maltese honour. This time of course she did have to negotiate a semi-final and did so with some ease, despite Malta having no obvious neighbour/diaspora to call in predictable votes. For some reason, come the final, it all went a little wrong as Malta trailed in 22nd. The most obvious explanation for this is that the contest final was judged 50/50 by juries and televoting and the juries preferred the ballads of the UK and France. Whatever the reasons, let's hope it's not the last we hear of this lady. Chiara, you are a true Eurovision Hero.



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Nul Points Review: #3 The Legend Of "La La La"

The winner of the 1968 Eurovision has long been held up to a degree of ridicule. Part of this is down to the fact that even in the long history of "Ding A Dong"s, "Boom Bang A Bang"s and "Diggi Loo Diggi Ley"s, a song whose chorus consists entirely of the word "La" actually winning the whole thing strikes new ground for Euro-cretinity. The other factor of course is that by one point, Massiel denied national treasure Cliff Richard and "Congratulations" the win expected well beyond everyone watching in the UK. After "Volare", the first "standard" produced by Eurovision, struggled home in third ten years earlier, it would have been great kudos for the contest if the second (and some would say last) standard came away with a victory. It would also have meant a second consecutive victory for the UK, a streak that would have been extended to three by Lulu's joint victory in 1969. Scratch the surface though and the maligned ditty has a juicy history.The song was originally to be performed at the Royal Albert Hall contest by one Joan Manuel Serrat, who in a couple of years had become one of the brightest singer-songwriters in Spain. Also a guy with some principles, and who declared he would only go to Eurovision if he could perform the song in Catalan. Spanish TV (and by extension of course General Franco) found this completely unacceptable, and Serrat was dumped just a couple of weeks before the contest. Massiel was airlifted in from a Mexican tour, plastic mini skirt and all. In stark contrast to Massiel's Euro-friendly divaness, Serrat was publically condemned by the fascist regime and was forced to spend much of the next decade in South America. Thankfully his talent was great enough to survive all this and he remains a highly respected artist in Spain and Latin America. Here is his original version. Would it have pipped Cliff?.



The contest voting was a classic in itself. The French entry by 1962 winner Isabelle Aubret streaked away to an early lead before suddenly running out of steam, our Cliff then taking a lead that was solid without being clearcut. Spain was always a few points behind, until the German jury blew the whole thing apart.



For such a supposedly disposable song, "La La La" went on to have a life beyond the contest. A few months after the event, American pop princess Lesley Gore took it into the American Hot 100 (admittedly peaking at a paltry #91) 0 sound only clip below, and, genres away, it was also recorded by Portuguese fado legend Amália Rodrigues. Decades later, possibly more ironic versions were cut by Eurovision stalwart Carola and British pop group St Etienne for the 1998 Eurotrash compilation album.



The story of the 1968 contest took another twist in May 2008 when a documentary by the Spanish film-maker Montse Fernandez Vila alleged that General Franco "bought" votes to ensure victory by sending minions across Europe to offer to buy TV shows and give singers Spanish exposure. Eighteen months on, nothing of substance has been found to support these allegations but it's a great story. So maybe all things considered, this simple song deserves a re-appraisal?.



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Eurovision Heroes: #2 Romuald Figuier

Looking back in 2009, with male acts winning three of the last four contests, it's easy to forget that male singers, be they solo, in duet or in a group were spurned for many many years in the history of Eurovision. After Udo Jurgens in 1966, twenty-three of the next thirty-three winners were either female soloists or female-led groups. It took the advent of public voting before the men had a level playing field.

The first few years of Eurovision were awash with big traditional ballads, many of them sung in French, and many of them delivered by well scrubbed up blokes in dinner jackets. In 1958 Andre Claveau somewhow pipped 1956 winner Lys Assia even though Lys memorable "Giorgio" was the favourite song of more countries than Andre's ditty, and a finer song than her previous winner. Three years later Jean-Claude Pascal equally trumped the Allison Brothers classic "Are You Sure" to equal public dismay.

As the sixties evolved with Eurovision desperately trying to stay a pace or two behind the ever changing times, one man kept the balladeer flag flying. Romuald Figuier was born in 1941 and his first of three Eurovision forays was in the 1964 contest in Copenhagen, the only contest since 1956 to have not been recorded for posterity as Danish TV lost the video. For virtually their entire Eurovision history, both Monaco and Luxembourg imported both singers and songwriters from other nations for their efforts. Luxembourg scouted all over but Monaco stuck to drilling into the mine of French light-entertainment resources. Romuald went to Denmark with "Ou Sont-Elles Passees?" and obtained a very creditable third place, just two points behind Matt Monro in a year which brought the most dominant winner ever, the epic "Non Ho L'Eta". As Dansk Radio lost the tape this is a sound only link.



Five years later, when romantic male balladeers were even less in fashion, Romuald rolled up at the bonkers 1969 contest in Madrid. This time it was Luxembourg who called for his services and he delivered the very traditional "Catherine". In the infamous scattergun voting dominated by the ladies our Romuald struggled to eleventh of sixteen, although one country thought he was equal best (you guessed, Monaco!).



Another five years later and Romuald was clearly still a Monegasque icon, as he travelled to another classic contest at the Brighton Dome to represent once more the miniscule principality. In terms of hit records this contest stands way above all others by a country mile. The top three songs, "Waterloo", "Go" and "I See A Star", didn't just make the UK chart, they all made the UK TOP TEN!. Behind this classic trio, and just a point behind Mouth and MacNeal lay three songs in equal fourth: "Bye, Bye I Love You" by English-girl-turned-German-schlager-superstar Irene Sheer, "Long Live Love" by someone called Olivia Newton-John (!) and, you guessed, our hero Mr Figuier. "Celui Qui Reste Et Celui Qui S'en Va" is probably his finest Eurovision moment and he was just a few random jury points away from success in the highest profile contest ever. In retrospect maybe Romuald's timing was just very unlucky. The 1978 contest saw second and third places occupied by traditional French language ballads before Johnny Logan changed the image of male soloists at Eurovision forever. But Romuald Figuier will always have a classy place in Eurovision history.



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Nul Points Review: #2 That 1993 Qualifier

The fall of the iron curtain was probably the most significant event of the last part of the twentieth century, and its impact on the frivolous world of Eurovision was immense. Contest eligibility always depended on being a member of the European Broadcasting Union, which was a consortium of Western European TV stations. At the same time the Eastern bloc had their own equivalent, the International Radio and Television Organisation. From 1956 to 1992, basically any country which had a broadcaster that was part of the the EBU got to enter Eurovision. In 1993 the Western and Eastern organisations merged (quite why it took more than three years after the collapse of the Berlin Wall is lost in the mists of time) and suddenly there was a queue of new countries clamouring for their three minutes of pan-continent exposure on a Saturday night in May.

From 1994 to 2003 the EBU fiddled about with all sorts of options mostly based on promotion and relegation, either based on the previous years result or an arcane "average score" based on the last few contests, as well as an infamous "let's listen to the audio tapes" qualification process in 1996 when Germany's failure to qualify led to the controversial current day "big four" status of the contest moneybag nations. But 1993 was different.

In 1993 the EBU rather condescendingly staged a pre-qualifier for the Eastern upstarts that wanted an immediate place at the main table. Seven countries participated with the top three claiming a place in the biggest ever Eurovision final in Millstreet. The event was staged in Ljubliana and the voting was based on one "music expert" from each country casting votes in the time-honoured 12-10-8 etc style.



After some highly disparate scatter gun voting the three places in the contest final went to the three ex-Yugoslavian competitors, Bosnia, Croatia and Slovenia. The last votes were given by Slovakia, whose expert, in an unprecented and probably unique display of un-tactical voting, effectively ensured they finished fourth and didn't make it to Ireland. Here is the aftermath of the votes.



In the contest final, none of the three distinguished themselves. The wishy-washy Slovenian winner trailed in 22nd and the Croatian hymn to peace finished 15th. The Bosnian entry was in some circles tipped to do very well as it was well documented that the group Fazla had to dodge bullets to catch the plane to Ireland and they got a great reception from the audience. After two rounds of voting Bosnia led the Eurovision scoreboard but their challenge fizzled out as the juries gave the sympathy vote a wide berth and they ended up 16th, one place behind Croatia.




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Eurovision Heroes: #1 Stella Maessen

Welcome to the first of an occasional series on the Nul Points blog celebrating those artists who truly qualify as Eurovision Heroes. Not the one-off shooting stars who romp to a three hundred point victory, but the artists who have thrown their cap into the Eurovision bearpit, gone home battered and bruised, yet came back once and even twice more and still not found absolute glory. As we here at Nul Points love the Benelux we start with one of the most glamourous Euro veterans.

Stella Maessen was born in Zandvoort in the Netherlands in 1953. Together with her sisters Bianca and Patricia, she sang backup for many singers, before the girls secured their own record deal as an act in their own right. In 1970 The Netherlands, as one of the four-way-tie winners in 1969, offered to host the event in Amsterdam. Stella and her sisters opened the contest for the host country, now calling themselves "Hearts Of Soul", and broke huge new ground. They presented the very first Eurosong of the 1970s, were the first three-girl group and the first black group in the contest. Their song "Waterman" (not a tribute to the prolific 1980s songwriter) was also impossibly groovy and contemporary, so it was no great revelation when the juries opted for the cute safety of Dana and Mary Hopkin.




In 1973 the Maessen family moved from the Netherlands to Belgium and together with Patricia's hubbie they morphed into Dream Express and jumped on the burgeoning disco bandwagon. After some local success they travelled to Wembley and the delayed 1977 Eurovision as hot favourites to win. At this point disco was sweeping the pop charts, and additionally, they had another advantage. Despite four years of Eurovision hits like "Waterloo", "Ding-A-Dong" and of course the daddy of them all, "Save Your Kisses For Me" storming pop charts all over the globe, the European Broadcasting Union in their infinite wisdom decided to close down the languages for 1977. However as the Belgians (and Germans) had already chosen their songs they were exempted. So Dream Express turned up with "A Million In 1, 2, 3", a great song and a great draw. They finished seventh. Looking back now I can only think of two explanations. Firstly they were followed right on stage by France's Marie Myriam whose corker ballad completely stole their Flemish thunder. The other slant of course is that this was just one of many, many occasions from the 1970s to the 2000s when disco-dance just never cut it with Eurovision voters, be they juries or the public. It's still a great track though.




Five years later, Stella was back in the UK, Harrogate this time, and she took the stage at last with solo billing. She dropped the "Maessen" bit, which is understandable as the 1982 trend was for Eurovision acts with as few letters as possible, although apparently she had released the odd single as Stella "Mason". Third time and solo time brought Stella's strongest result, despite sticking with a disco approach. "Si Tu Aimes Ma Musique" brought a very creditable fourth place. What's even more creditable is that, firstly, in a contest dominated by Nicole and her giant guitar, Stella was only four points behind the Israeli runner-up. Even more impressively, Stella garnered points from every single other country, the only song to do so in that contest, and on a surprisingly short all-time list. Not bad for disco. Stella Maessen, we salute you!.



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Why do Eurovision fans hate Latvia?

Since 1994 the countries behind the old iron curtain have sauntered into the contest one by one, and nobody can say that they haven't had an impact on Eurovision. In that first truly pan-European contest at Dublin's Point Theatre, Estonia and Lithuania occupied the very last two places. Their Soviet Baltic neighbour, Latvia, were to resist the contest for six whole years. By 2000 almost every new country in Eastern Europe had entered and Latvia's belated entry certainly went with a bang. They sent the band Brainstorm, complete with charismatic lead singer Renars Kaupers, and a 90's Britpop song that was quite unlike anything heard at Eurovision before. Against all predictions "My Star" sailed to third place in a contest when some major assumptions about the type of song to excel at the contest were well and truly dispelled (hello Linda, Nicki).



In 2001 this success could not be repeated and the end result meant that Latvia was excluded from the 2002 contest. But Portugal withdrew due to financial problems at their TV station, and as the next country on the list, Latvia took their place, and a remarkable story began. The country handed a lifeline sent an entry very much based on the Latino-lite style popular in pop charts all over the world at the turn of the millennium. So far so pleasant. When Marie N turned up for rehearsals in Tallinn with her stage show of stripping of her "male" outer suit to reveal a sassy skirt, the hysterical reports from the venue suggested a victory, that was confirmed on the night, albeit narrowly ahead of Malta who could only reposte with a pocketful of glitter.



And so Riga replaced Tallinn as the next stag-party nexus to host Eurovision. The host nation sent a pop confection by a manufactured trio that included a singer with arguably the most annoying voice in Eurovision history, so a repeat victory was never
going to happen. The next year, in the first year with semi-finals, Latvia submitted a sweet if unspectacular guitar hymn to peace, and made the top five with ease. At this point they were actually top of our Nul Points All Time Country Rankings.



Then it all started to go wrong (scoreboard wise anyway). Their 2006 entry remains in the history books as the only Eurovision entry to be performed acapella, yet it wasn't the most hummable song in the world (although we love it!) and it flopped badly. For some reason internet fans still find it way too challenging.




In 2007 they joined the pop-opera bandwagon and sailed into the final with an Il-Divo type song sung in Italian, yet once in the final they fell again very badly short, with quite a huge discrepancy between their semi and final scores. The next year, the first with two semis, they advanced with a cheesy pirate song that kind of middled out in the final, then this year they really didn't try too hard at all with a downbeat song that just got lost.



Latvia have now submitted ten Eurovision songs. After all their efforts, they still seem to hold a bizarre place in the disdain of Eurovision fans. Their entries regularly end at the foot of fan polls, without a good word to be said. Now, why could this be?. Some theories:

• They have never sent a disco diva (unless we count Marie, who had the nerve to win)
• They ignored our beloved contest for six whole years (after Estonia and Lithuania)
• They were far too successful far too soon (ref: Portugal)
• They send too many male singers (and the fans love the ladies)
• They send songs outside the fan's comfort zone (not difficult)

The explanation is probably a mix of some of the above with some other stuff as well, it is certainly true that fans favour female singers and Latvia usually chooses blokes. We love you Latvia!

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