
For the first two decades of Eurovision the United Kingdom were rarely out of the top three. Whilst we seldom won, our stack of podium places was the envy of Europe. From the mid seventies, little by little it all began to unravel, to the point where 2009's fifth place is regarded as manna from heaven. So let's go on a journey through time to examine where it all went wrong......
1 The Language Rule
For most of Eurovision history countries were limited to singing in their native tongue, meaning a built in advantage for the UK and Ireland (and Malta when they sent a decent song after their nineties rebirth). Since 1999 songs can be in any language and virtually everyone has since then opted at least once to perform in English, many countries now doing it as a matter of course.
2 Number Of Countries
The UK's record of finishing in the top four every year bar two from 1959 to 1977 was achieved in an era when the number of entrants was on average sixteen to nineteen. Now it is usually twenty-five, most of whom have already proved their appeal (and got an extra plug) in a semi-final a few days before the contest final. The UK, like France, Germany and Spain, always have direct entry to the final. Would they benefit from competing in the semi?. Maybe, but not of course if they were eliminated.
3 Big Names
The UK's golden era in the sixties and early seventies was driven by the BBC selecting an experienced performer and inviting accomplished songwriters to submit songs. In 1976 no more big names could be found and only the brilliance of "Save Your Kisses For Me" and (erm) "Rock Bottom masked the decline that was just around the corner as unproven allcomers were invited to the party. Apart from Bucks Fizz who were a genuinely clever creation, and a couple of quality ballads by male crooners (Scott Fitzgerald and Ray Caruana aka Live Report) the UK had to come to terms with the view from mid-table. It was no coincidence that when the one-singer approach was briefly re-adopted in the early nineties both Michael Ball and Sonia elevated mediocre songs to strong second places.
4 Choosing The Wrong Song
Given that our Eurovision history was largely built upon chirpy ditties, which certainly cut it in 1969, it's maybe no surprise that the good UK public's idea of a "Eurovision song" has remained rooted in the past. Year after year the winner of UK selection could be accurately predicted by any savvy Eurofan. Bad sixties pastiches, anodyne hymns to peace, and then always of course "the bouncy one". This later mutated, no doubt helped by the huge gay Eurovision fanbase, into "the bouncy dance one".
5 Stageing
ITV stage the X-Factor each week in a huge arena. The BBC stage "A Song For Europe/Making Your Mind Up/Eurovision: Your Decision/WTF We've Run Out Of Ideas 2010" in a studio little bigger than a king-size duvet, and often with pre-recorded backing singers. The winning act, often inexperienced, is then catapulted into a huge arena and expected not to make a complete arse of themselves. Some of the the Eastern European countries lately gracing the top end of the scoreboard come with huge props and presentation rehearsed to the Nth degree, while the UK self-consciously slope on and off stage and then wonder why they finished 23rd.
6 Song Type
Dance music usually flops at Eurovision. Even a worldwide smash like "Oooh Aah Just A Little Bit" could't cut it on a Eurovision stage, so what chance for those dance songs vastly inferior. It's somwehat ironic that the very closest of contest observers are well aware that dance music has done sod all at the contest for at least a decade yet the general public hear some camp and some beats per minute and vote for it. The UK public has occasionally gone for something a little bit different. in 1995 and 2006 it was "rap" which fell flat on the arena stage, in 2005 the UK embraced the "ethnic/Shakira" sound with our Javine, only to land in Kiev and find fifteen other countries had the exact same idea.
Conclusion
The three United Kingdom entries to trouble the top five in the last fifteen years have been Katrina's 1997 anthem and the two big ballads from Jessica Garlick and now-Sugarbabe Jade Ewen. All three female led. Let's kick dance, experimental and chirpy into touch and stick to what we're good at. Maestro please ......
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